The Calendar Marches On…

This year February had a whole extra day! Disneyland celebrated February 29 — Leap Day — by staying open for 24-hours straight. Fast food restaurant Chick-fil-A gave away free Chick-n-Minis, but the Word Mavens didn’t do anything out of the ordinary to celebrate. That’s because we were busy getting ready for March, which is chock full of holidays to celebrate.

March is National Frozen Food month. For us, it brings back memories of when mom would dig in the freezer before trying to come up with something for dinner; Birds Eye succotash and half-gallon cardboard containers of Neapolitan ice cream spring to mind. Nowadays we generally limit our frozen food to Eggo waffles, chicken nuggets, and the occasional Lean Cuisine. But we also dabble in Trader Joe’s make-it-easy frozen gourmet items, like Wild Salmon in Yogurt & Mint Sauce and Vegetable Bird’s Nests. Just in time for Frozen Food Month, we’re limbering up our fingers, getting ready to push the defrost button on the microwave.

We’re delighted that March 5 is right around the corner, because it is Everything You Do Is Right Day. That’s good for Ellen, because she’s always right about everything all the time. It’s bad for Joyce, who is left-handed. She’s had years of trouble using scissors and always smears the ink when she signs a greeting card.

May 7 is Be Nasty Day. We don’t want to be nasty, but it’s a perfect day to use some of the less-than-flattering Yiddish. When you notice the woman lingering by the teriyaki chicken booth at Costco eating more than her share of free tastes, you can call her a shnorrer. When a driver cuts you off at a four-way stop sign, you can call him a shmo. And when the woman on the treadmill next to yours is wearing gold necklaces, earrings and full eye makeup at 10 a.m., you can call her fapitzed (under your breath).

March 9 is Worship of Tools Day. We assume this means hammers and screwdrivers, but does it call for a Phillips or a slotted head? Jewish men have a reputation for being more adept at climbing the corporate ladder than the ladder to the roof to change the light bulbs in the floodlight. They are more comfortable wielding a stethoscope than an electric drill. That’s why Joyce has two local handymen on her speed dial.

March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day. This holiday confuses us. We don’t have any goats in the yard that we could sacrifice. That’s old-fashioned anyway. We don’t think the founders of Supreme Sacrifice Day are espousing the literal definition of “sacrificing one’s life.” And for Jewish mothers, why is this day different from all other days? What about that airline ticket I just booked for you? And that last minute run to the store for the black shirt you needed? And that favorite dinner I cooked when you came home? Supreme sacrifices (that we thoroughly enjoyed).

March 29 – Joyce’s birthday – is I’m in Control Day. How lucky is that, unless it means we have to wear Spanx all day long. We will be taking control of the remote so that we don’t have to flip between old movies we’ve seen a hundred times and the 76ers game when we really want to watch Dancing With the Stars. Joyce will also be in control of dinner and it means she’ll be going out.


We’re both looking forward to April 1. Because April Fools’ Day is a real holiday.

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